I had my final exam today. Potentially my final final exam. Ever.
So … that’s exciting.
But it feels sort of anticlimactic. I walked out of that final reasonably confident that I had done well but also … at loose ends.
I sometimes do theatre. Only very occasionally now, but in high school I was involved in most of the school’s theatre productions in some capacity for about three years. And after every performance came to a close, we would be told that we might feel a little lost, a little empty. We were told not to make any important decisions in the time immediately following the close of a show. Don’t decide to go with that pageboy haircut, you’ll regret it, that kind of thing.
I never felt that way following a show. I always had other stuff to do, post-show, so there was never any void-y feeling.
And I have stuff to do now. A lot of stuff, actually. I have no lack of things to do.
But I do feel a little void-y. The thing that was taking up most of my time, almost every day for the last eight months, is over. And I think maybe I was expecting more from the (near) conclusion of my academic career. A greater sense of finality and satisfaction. I want to be able to say, “Done with that,” and carry on unencumbered to other things.
Maybe I’ll feel that way when I get my grades back? Maybe it’s that I’m not actually done with my masters, I’m just done with the in-class part. I still have my internship to complete over the next few months, and then my project report (ie. mini thesis) to do in the fall. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel as free as I hoped I would. Because I’m done but not quite done.
Maybe I’m feeling like the whole thing is a little bittersweet, because now my cohort is going to scatter to the wind and they’ll be another group of people that I have to plan to see, rather than just seeing them because we’re in the same place at the same time every single day.
Maybe I’m just not good at celebrating the little moments. I should buy a party hat and a noise maker and carry them around with me, and make a concerted effort to celebrate the little moments.
God, that smacks of effort. And it would probably be off-putting to strangers. Or it would lead strangers to talk to me.
You know what? Whatever. Finals are done. Classes are done. I’ve got work. I’ve got personal projects and hopefully I’ll have the time to work on them now. I’ll see who I see. One of my friends has decided that this is going to be the summer of Groupons, so I’m probably going to do some weird stuff this summer. Added to that, I’m going to try and see how many places I can get into for the child rate.
I’m going to go buy/make a party hat and a noise maker.
The party hat will have to be easily collapsible, so that I can carry it around with me and put it on when I feel the need.
I’m almost mostly joking about this.
Though I do think celebrating the little moments is important, and something that I personally don’t do enough of.
P.S. I also rewatched How I Met Your Mother following the [SPOILERS] disappointing finale, and while I see more of the precursors, I am still disappointed and might just pretend, in my in-my-head version of the story, that the finale didn’t happen. I can definitively say that I’m done with that.