My social media rules


I’m not a social media aficionado. I don’t Tweet much, I don’t regularly post incomprehensible Facebook statuses that make my friends think that I’m in a state of personal crisis when really I’ve just discovered poetry anthologies, I don’t post much on Instagram at all, if I suddenly repin a bunch of stuff on Pinterest I’m probably waiting to meet up with someone and I’ve run through all my Candy Crush lives. Oh, and I don’t get Tumblr at all. I mostly just use Tumblr to search relevant tags when I can’t think of what to do next in a story. And to scroll the Benedict Cumberbatch and Sherlock tags.

I’m human, sue me.

Anyway, what you should be taking away from all of this is that I am not someone you should look to for social media advice.

That being said, here are the social media rules that I follow (or try to).


I remember the old days of Facebook. Of poking and throwing sheep and giving beer. A friend and I had a baby on Facebook in high school. He was blonde and had green eyes. I can’t remember what his name was, but I feel like it was something very normal, like “David” or “Kyle” or something. I don’t know. I quit Facebook in 2008 and I think that feature went the way of many Facebook features that I remembered. When I came back in the summer of 2012, after completing my undergrad, Facebook was … less fun. My grandma is on Facebook. So is my mom, but just so that she can play Candy Crush. There are two things that I use Facebook for now:

  1. Events
  2. Group messaging people to figure out logistics of events

That’s about it. That’s most of the utility that I get out of Facebook.


My rules for Twitter are sort of related to my rules of texting. I don’t text a lot, but when I do I try to be either funny or helpful. If I learn something that I think someone might find interesting or useful, I’ll send them a text about it. If I think of something that a friend will find funny, I’ll text it to them. And recently, when I send someone a link to something that they’ll find interesting or funny, I’ll also Tweet it (assuming it’s not super personal). Also:

  1. Don’t Tweet your bowel movements
  2. Don’t use a bajillion hashtags, it makes me think you’re a bot
  3. Don’t say “follow me, I follow back” in your description, it makes me think you’re twelve
  4. Don’t just promote your own shit
  5. Do interact
  6. Be funny, if possible
  7. If funny isn’t possible, be helpful. Retweet and link out to good, interesting content
  8. Don’t blow up my feed


  1. If you didn’t cook the food you’re taking a picture of, don’t post it
  2. If you didn’t make the dress you’re wearing, don’t post it
  3. If the food or the dress is disgusting or ridiculous, post it
  4. Don’t take daily pictures of yourself from the neck down after exercising. It makes me think you’re taking pictures of other people at the gym, which makes me uncomfortable. For both of us.
  5. Don’t use a bajillion hashtags
  6. I always want to see your puppy. Take more pictures of your puppy. And videos.
  7. If it happened yesterday, it’s not a Throwback.


I don’t actually have any Pinterest rules. I mostly repin DIY projects that I’m never going have time to do.


I also have no tumblr rules. It would be pointless to have Tumblr rules, since as far as I can tell, Tumblr doesn’t have any rules. It’s the wild west out there. And every cowboy is Benedict Cumberbatch and Misha Collins.

That’s it. That’s all I’ve got for you today.




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